A Whole New Definition

I was thinking about the word 'soulmate' today. I don't know why, sometimes stuff just pops into my head. I was home alone, there was quiet time to think, you do the math. It's one of those words that I have believed in the past to be grossly misused. Everybody, it seems, is looking for his soulmate. The person who will march into your life and magically change it for the better. The only reason why your life isn't the picturesque masterpiece that you desire is because you haven't yet met your soulmate.

I wondered: does a soulmate have to be someone with whom you have a romantic connection? Does it have to be your spouse or life partner? If you believe in multiple incarnations of the soul, as I do, I submit that the answer is no.

Think about reincarnation for a minute. Energy never dies, it only changes form. That means that because you are pure energy, when your body dies, your soul lives on and may manifest into some other living phenomenon. Consider also, that the people you know and/or love and/or hate now are the same souls that you've encountered in all your other lives. You run in the same circles, if you will.

If all that is true, doesn't it stand to reason that your soulmate could be any of your treasured souls? For instance, if my husband is my soulmate, I may have been his best friend in another lifetime. Or his favorite teacher that he adored for years, or his brother with whom he was very close. Maybe he's not my soulmate at all. Maybe my soulmate is my youngest son over whom I'm so fiercely protective or my sister to whom I'm so close, we joke about being the same person. If a soulmate is truly your soul's mate, he is with you through all your incarnations, probably in different capacities.

I don't think of my soulmate as someone with whom I'm meant to spend my whole life, but rather the soul with whom I share all my lives.

I know I'm weird. I make no apologies for that. I am who I am.

But you know what this means don't you? You no longer have to bang your head against a wall wondering where your soulmate is and what, pray tell, is taking him so damned long. You no longer have to despair that you will never meet the "right" person for you. You have already met him. Time and time again. When you meet him in this lifetime, your soul will recognize his soul; your energy will be in tune with his energy.

Because you already know him. You already love him and he already loves you. You are connected by something far greater than you can even begin to understand on this earthly plane. And the best part is, you always will be.

Stop wasting every ounce of your energy and focus on sending fear into the universe. You may already know your soulmate in this life, but you're so busy looking outside of yourself for happiness that you're ignoring the blessings right under your nose. Send out love out into the world. Send out openness. Let God know that your are ready to accept the powerful blessings of love that are rightfully yours.

One day when you least expect it, your soulmate will walk through the door.

Or maybe, just maybe, you will carry him next to your heart for nine months before birthing him into another manifestation of his life.  

Tell me what you think. Do you believe you already know your soulmate? Is he/she who you thought it would be?

Until next week,
Feed on love, subsist on peace.

Intuition is the Voice of God

Today's post was inspired by one of my blogging friends. The following does not detail her particular circumstances, but the feelings involved are similar. I won't say her name, of course, but she'll know it's for her. Maybe several of you will think it's for you. In that case, it most certainly is. I believe there are no accidents; if you're reading this, you probably needed to read it.



Do you remember how it feels in the first few months after ending a serious relationship? You know how the scenario goes: at first you're feeling good that you finally had the courage to end it. You feel empowered and strong. The birds are singing, the sky is blue, and the sun has regained its rightful place at the center of the universe. Then a couple months go by and you're still alone. You've dated some guys hear and there, but none of them were what you're looking for. So you start to think about the good times with your ex, completely blocking out the bad times. You remember how he would rub your back during your 'time of the month'. You remember how he would make you laugh so hard your cheeks hurt every time your boss pissed you off. Oh, and how your parents loved him, even your dad who hates every man you've ever even considered. Then one day, out of the blue, he calls and asks to see you. He says he misses and loves you so much. He knows that you don't want anything to do with him, but if he could just see your face once more, he thinks he'd be all right. Now you're thinking, 'Wow, I was just thinking about him, too. We're so in sync. Maybe I should give him another chance." The fact that he slept with your neighbor doesn't seem like such a big deal after all. Who cares if he poisoned your cat? That damned thing was a nuisance anyway.  

He comes over and you reminisce over a glass of wine. You gaze into each other's eyes and it's just like old times. That glass of wine turns into a bottle of wine. And then two. The next thing you know, you're making love in front of the fireplace while Luther Vandross serenades you in the background. You wake up in the morning feeling on top of the world. You roll over to kiss him good morning...and he's not there. Instead there's a note that says, "Thank you for last night. I really needed it. I'll always treasure our time together." Or maybe there's no note at all. Whichever setup makes you feel the most used, let's just insert that one in here. You call him and your call goes straight to voicemail. All...seven...times. You text him and he doesn't respond. You send an email, same thing. Has he dropped off the face of the earth? No, he's ignoring you and praying like hell that you will get the point without his having to be mean. He'd thought you were familiar with the Code of the Booty Call a.k.a. Let's Just Screw And Say Goodbye until you'd started yammering on about how good it felt to be back together.

Now comes the part where you're second guessing yourself. What could you have been thinking? This always happens to you. You always trust guys who can't be trusted. What the hell is wrong with you? You tell yourself that you can no longer trust your instincts because they have clearly steered you wrong here. In fact, when have they ever been correct? I'll tell you when: always.

Your instincts didn't get you into this mess, you managed that all on your own. Let's dissect this scene, shall we?

*He was unfaithful to you. That may not necessarily be a deal breaker depending on the circumstances, but it's not like that's something to write home about. Can you imagine? "Mom and Dad, I have the best news! Derrick cheated on me with my next door neighbor! Isn't it fabulous?" Not only did he cheat, but he did it with a woman who knows you and knows how you feel about him. I'm not saying they both need mud holes stomped in their asses, but...(Oh, shoot! My bitchy side crept in there for a minute. Sorry. Sometimes I can't control her. I do not condone violence...I do not condone violence...There, I'm back now.)
*He killed your cat. I don't know how you feel about your cat, but mine is like one of my babies. He purposefully killed an innocent creature. Isn't that a characteristic of serial killers-to-be?
*When he called you, he didn't say, "I want to get back together." He said, "If I could just see your face one more time blah, blah, blah." Translation: I haven't had sex since we broke up and my vast collection of pornos is no longer doing the trick.
*You were feeling lonely. Translation: you haven't had good sex since you broke up and you miss feeling a sexual connection with another human being.
*You know he's a jerk, but you thought that being with a jerk is better than being alone.

Always, always, always trust your instincts. They will never tell you to do something that is bad for you. NEVER. Not ever. If you're considering doing something you know is wrong, trust me, that is not your intuition talking. Take a minute and think about just what is talking. What is it that you feel you're missing right now that makes you want to do something harmful to yourself? In the above scenario, it seems our heroine was lonely and vulnerable. Those feelings made her nostalgic for a man who, although clearly not what one would describe as stable, has displayed a measure of caring and love for her at times. Some people are perfectly fine being alone, but some are not. Personally, I am one of those who's not. I need constant feedback and interaction. Don't get me wrong, I do love my alone time (and I mean Idris-Elba-in-nothing-but-a-towel love), but it scares me to think what would happen if left to my own devices. Oh, the trouble I would get into...Probably the reason why God made my husband a cop.

I'll say this before I hop off my soapbox for the week: don't confuse intuition with desire. Intuition is the voice of God while desire is the longing of your heart. You have to figure out what your heart might be longing for at the moment. Sometimes your heart will want things that will not serve you well because your heart's main job (aside from pumping blood through your body, of course) is to make you feel good. Your heart desires things that bring you pleasure. Pleasure is a magnificent animal, but as anyone over the age of 21 will tell you, not everything that feels good is good for you.



Until next week,
Feed on love; subsist on peace.

Negative is the Absence of Positive

I started today off in a good mood. In fact, I was downright giddy. Something about this time of the year... The air is crisp, the sun is shining brightly, and oh, my kids go back to school. Nothing like a quiet house to make a woman feel like a giggly third grader.

My stellar mood was darkened, however, by the news that two of my long-time friends had gotten a divorce. Not only are they divorced, but the ex-husband is now remarried. And I just found out. Indirectly. On Facebook.

I'm devastated to say the least. I mean, I have known this couple most of my life. I remember when they met (we were teenagers). I remember when they fell in love. I remember insisting on being my friend's matron of honor, only to be informed that, as an unmarried woman, I was actually the maid of honor. I remember the births of their children, one of whom happens to be my godchild.

When I went to their respective FB pages, I got the impression that things are not as smooth as one would hope. Apparently, the children have animosity for their father and have decided to stop speaking to him. It's all so very, very sad. My heart is breaking for them and I will pray that they all find peace.

No, I didn't set out to make you cry today, or myself for that matter. I intended to write about how negativity is simply the absence of something positive. I'll do that now.

I don't know any of the details of what happened with my friends. You'll recall that I learned about it on FB, which means that I haven't actually spoken to either of them in quite some time. But from the minuscule amount of info I gathered, it seems that some, if not all, of them are holding onto grudges, pain, and hostility. I want to say to my friends, both the ones I know personally and the ones who follow this blog, that that is never a good idea. It's the easy choice, I'll grant you, even the popular one, but not the best one.

A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of the father/child relationship. I won't rehash that whole discussion, but I do want to say that regardless of what your husband/ex-husband/lover/baby's daddy has done to you, it's unfair to project your feelings about him onto your children. He is still their daddy. He might be a lying, cheating, sorry sonofabitch, but I'm willing to bet he still loves his kids. I know you want him to feel as much hurt as you do, but if you must get revenge, find another way. Don't ruin your child's sense of love and decency because someone hurt YOU.

To that end, I want to say please find some way to heal. Try not to hold on to hostility because not only does it cloud your judgement, make you bitter, and hold you back from love, but it gives the other person control of your life. No one deserves to control your life but you. Don't ever give someone else control over you. If you do, they win. Do you get that? They win. So you lose by default.

It's easy to say, I know, but hard to do. But (here is my original train of thought) if you understand that anything negative is merely the absence of something positive, I think it will get that much easier. It's so simple, really. Darkness is the absence of light. Hatred is the absence of love. Evil is the absence of divine goodness. This is much easier than we think!

To banish darkness, turn on a light! To destroy hatred, give love! To annihilate evil, spread the goodness of God! Don't let life's disappointments or complete changes of heart extinguish your natural positivity, love, and beauty.

I know it can be challenging. My husband and I separated for a period of time thirteen years ago. It was eye-opening. I resented him so much and had so much anger that I almost let it destroy our family. But now, thirteen years later, after weathering many a storm, I just want to say that a lot of marriages that have ended might have been saved if  the people involved only knew that all the fighting, unhappiness, and changes are all growing pains; the growing pains of a marriage. It's the reason our grandparents and some of our parents were married for 30, 40, or 50 years. Because they got it. If an individual must grow and change with the times, so must a marriage.

I can't save my friends' marriage now. I wouldn't want to if I could because that's not my job; it's theirs if they so choose. But for all of you whom are still married, happily or otherwise, please know that it can always get better if both people decide to make it so. Simply grab on to something positive and crush the hell out of that negative.

Until next time...

Feed on love; subsist on peace.

You Never Walk Alone

Today I would like to share something very personal and close to my heart: my poetry. I don't usually share my poetry because the only time I write it is when I'm in pain. There are few things more inherently personal than pain. I'm sharing it because I've come to a point where I realize that: 1) others can benefit from seeing my victories over past hurts, 2) it's okay to be vulnerable and 3) there is always someone who is going through the exact same thing. Even when I feel my worst, somebody identifies with my suffering. I'm not alone.

I'd like to preface the posting by warning you that my poetry is raw and it pulls no punches. After all, I wrote it for my eyes only. This particular poem isn't shocking or offensive, but I may see fit to share some of those in the future as well.

Indecision
i love you
part-time
in the moment
temporarily
from time to time
i don't mind
our incompatibility
they say that opposites attract
your yang to my yin
your sin to my sin
your vodka to my gin
your excess to my lack
my nightmare is your dream come true
you look a little confused, boo
don't you know who I am?
it's me
the center of your world
it's me
the one who makes your toes curl
muscles tighten
eyes roll to the back of your head
i'm the one
who makes and
breaks your bed
and that's not even my best room

i hate you
part-time
in the moment
temporarily
from woman to man
i can't stand
our incompatibility
i don't talk and you don't listen
you lose, i win
when i sin, you sin
just like that?
what are we missing?
you don't know how to love me
you say
i say
you did fine yesterday
what the hell happened
to today?
i'm still me
well...
maybe i have changed
a little
reassessed my game
a little
stopped placing blame
just a little
my vision is sharper
hard to believe, but
still true
i'm a different person
a brighter star
a better me
and you, boo
you're still you.

I know there is someone out there who has felt the feelings that this poem conveys. You may even be feeling them right now. Please know that you are not alone.

Until next time...

Feed on love; subsist on peace.