Intuition

My husband and I were separated for the better part of 2012. During that time I lived about twenty miles away in a different county. When we separated, it was right in the middle of the school year. Not wanting to put my kids through anymore drastic changes, they stayed with my husband during the week for school, and then they would spend the weekends with me. It was difficult being away from them, and I was terribly lonely.

In my new neighborhood, I was the only single woman. There were families and there were single men, but no other single women. The women in the neighborhood had an automatic disdain for me until they learned that I was, in fact, a lovely person. Not only was I lovely, but I had no intentions on having torrid affairs with their husbands.

I was friendly to everyone in the neighborhood (it was something like a cul de sac, but not quite), but I never quite made friends with any of them. I would sometimes stop and have brief conversations, but no one invited into their homes for tea and vice versa.

One day, when my kids weren't there and I was all alone, my next door neighbor, a single man who lived alone with his dog, struck up a conversation with me as I walked to my car. Now this is a guy who had given me the creeps since I moved in. I try not to judge people in general, but the energy signature this guy exuded made me nervous. Up until this moment, he and I had barely spoken a word to each other outside of "hello."

He started to tell me about his aquarium, and all the fish that he had in there. I politely nodded, but really, I just wanted to go to my car and leave. At some point in the conversation, he asked, "You haven't seen it?" Of course, I hadn't seen it and he knew that. Remember, this was the longest conversation we'd had thus far. I said no. "Come on," he said. "I'll show you."

At that moment, every single hair on the back of my neck stood up. I felt an intense sense of fear as I hesitantly said, "OK." I followed him up his walkway toward his home. As I did so, I looked around to see if anyone else was around. This was a neighborhood that was always bustling with activity, but not today. There wasn't one person outside or, as far as I could tell, even looking out a window. Where the hell were the nosy neighbors when you needed them?

Against my better judgement, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, I followed him into his house. I'll let that sink in for a minute. I followed a man I didn't know or trust into his home when no one was around to witness it. Because I didn't want to appear impolite.

When I walked into his home, my nose was assaulted by the foulest stench you could imagine. To this day, I couldn't tell you what it was. His house was filthy, it smelled horrible, and his fish were swimming around in cloudy water. The water looked like he hadn't ever changed it. Luckily, the fish tank was right off the kitchen area, which wasn't that far from the front door. Even luckier was the fact that he didn't try to hurt me or otherwise take me prisoner in his filthy home.

I said, "Oh, yeah. Those fish are really nice." Then I power walked out of his house. The reasons? Eight percent so I wouldn't get sick from the smell, seven percent because I was still uncomfortable, and 85 percent because I didn't want to take my last breath in a place like that. You know how, in the movies, a person will be close to death and they say, 'it can't end like this, not here?' Yeah...I was having that exact inner dialogue.

I made it out safely, but the moral of this story is to always trust your intuition, even if it means you must be impolite to others. Even if others will think you're a bitch for doing it. Trust your intuition.
Ted Bundy killed many women because he made them feel sorry for him. Even though their intuition was probably screaming at them to walk away, they couldn't say no to an injured man. It cost them their lives. This could have easily been the case for me. Every time I think of this story, I get chills at the thought of what might have happened had this guy been a different person. Think about it with me: I lived alone for the most part, so no one would have noticed my absence for at least a work week. No one was around to see me enter his home, so there would be no clues as to where one might start looking for me. I would have been one of those people who seemingly disappeared from the face of the earth. My family would have spent the last four years wondering where I was and what happened to me. My children might have believed that I abandoned them. And all because I was afraid to be impolite.

Women are taught to be polite to a fault. If we don't, people will label us as bitches. And oh my God, we can't have that, can we? People will think I'm a mean person, so I must risk my safety in order to avoid offending anyone.

We have to stop that. Listen to your inner voice. You instinctively know if something is bad for you. You can sense a bad vibe. Even if you have no evidence to support your instinct, listen to it anyway. For instance, my neighbor didn't do anything to hurt me, but that doesn't mean my intuition was wrong. What if he lost his nerve? What if he wasn't expecting me to turn around and walk back out so fast? I could have thrown him off, or he could have tripped when he turned around to catch me. Maybe I slipped right through his fingers.

I'm not saying you should stop trusting people; I just want you (and me!) to listen to your intuition. It exists for a reason. Humans are the only beings that will ignore their instincts. If a gazelle senses a lion stalking it in the jungle, it doesn't say 'I'm not going to run because I don't want to hurt the lion's feelings.' To the contrary, it runs like hell and doesn't stop until the danger is gone or it gets caught. But at least it tries to save itself.

That's all I'm asking you to do. Save yourself. You're worth saving.

Until next time,

Feed on love; subsist on peace.

Breaking the Pattern

Good day, friends.

It's been awhile since we've spoken. Some of you have, no doubt, moved on to bigger and better things. Congratulations! You absolutely deserve it. Me? Well, I've been doing the same things I'd spoken to you about before I last left you. I'm one course and a dissertation away from getting my doctoral degree in Metaphysical Humanistic Science. That means I'm one step closer to what I believe is my true purpose in this lifetime.

I didn't come here to talk about me, though. Well, not just me.

Today, I found myself in a funk. Something happened in my life that upset me so much that I wanted to revert to some old habits. One of my go-to old habits was emotional eating. The pattern was: let someone upset me > completely disregard any progress I've made > eat everything in sight. I would tell myself, in that moment, that I didn't care whether I got fat or not. Who cares that I feel better when I eat better? Who cares that I don't have bouts of IBS when I don't eat meat? (TMI, I know) Who cares? There I was: all prepared to eat healthy snacks and a healthy lunch, but in that moment, all I wanted... was cake. Or pie. Or Doritos. Or, God help me, McDonald's fries.

If I followed the old pattern, I would be upset in the moment, I would eat everything and then afterward, the next moment, I would feel horrible. In the next moment I would care, but by then, it was too late. On top of being upset by whatever  had triggered my binge-eating, I would then also be upset with myself for the binge-eating I'd done. My self-esteem would dip really low; and the cycle would continue.

Not today, though. Today, I saw that old, ugly pattern breaking through the surface and I recognized it for what it was. I asked myself, why am I letting someone else control how I feel about myself? If you think about it, that's exactly what was happening. I allowed someone to upset me (that was my first mistake), I then internalized that pain as something that I deserved to feel, then I turned that pain against myself, which would have manifested as an eating binge. Sure, I know that people can take you to horrible, emotional places. I recognize that we are human, and we will sometimes not be in a place to handle emotional warfare. I get it. But I also get that once you let someone anger or upset you, you have handed over your power to them. You're essentially saying, "Here, you control me for a little while."

Now, everyone who's read this blog even once, probably knows that I have control issues. Trust me, I'm working on it, but it's an on-going process as you well know. The fact that I have issues giving others control is the very thing that should stop me from handing control of my emotions to anyone, especially people who have no impact on my existence.

So, I came here today to ask you, to implore you to take your power back. Ask yourself if you're letting others control how you feel about you. It's called self- esteem for a reason. The only person impacting it should be you. When someone upsets you, when you're experiencing emotional difficulty, acknowledge your feelings in this moment, then do what you need to do to get to the next moment. And once you get to the next moment, do something to nurture yourself so that you maintain your progress, your sanity, your self-love. What you do in that next moment could change the course of your life. Or it could keep you stagnant in old habits that you wished you'd given up a long time ago.

What did I do? I reached into the fridge for my carrot sticks and hummus. And I didn't hate myself afterward.

Until next time,

Feed on love, subsist on peace.

Happy New Year.

Live Like We're Dying

In light of the narrowly escaped (!) apocalypse on Saturday, I'd like to take an opportunity to play back some old hits. Not songs really, just some things that I have said in the past that I think bears repeating.

For months leading up to May 21st, the internet was rife with apocalyptic exclamations. There were articles about what one should do to survive an apocalypse. There were ads offering to take care of your pets during the post-apocalyptic chaos. Considering that no one on Earth has ever survived one and no one would be around after one, these articles and advertisements seemed, to me, frivolous at best.

If the world was indeed coming to an end soon, what would you do differently? I'm not talking about some person who, insane or not, sincerely thinks it's going to happen; I'm talking about if there was irrefutable proof, scientific evidence that the end was near. What would you do?

Would you learn to fly a plane? Would you climb a mountain? Would you take a trip around the world? Would you volunteer at a children's hospital? Would you start an animal rescue? Would you make yourself appreciate your life and all the blessings you take for granted? Would you stop stressing about small things? Would you stop being afraid to express your true feelings?

We always make the mistake of thinking we have more time. "I'll do that tomorrow," we say. "Oh, there's plenty of time to get that done," we reason. "I want to mend fences with my mother, but I'm not ready. I need more time," we rationalize.

I have a friend who just recently lost her father. He was perfectly fine one day, and he died from a heart attack the next. As I spoke with her, she recalled her last visit with him just days before. They were talking about building something together, and she said to him, "Oh, Dad, we have time. We don't have to do it now." But they didn't. After telling me that story, she said to me, "People always talk about living for today, about living like it's your last day on Earth, but until you actually do it, you don't really get it."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

So in the spirit of the Well-Fed Spirit oldies but goodies, I leave you with this: stop living your life like tomorrow is a guarantee. The only time that matters is now because it's the only time that truly exists. Learn to fly a plane RIGHT NOW. Climb a mountain RIGHT NOW. Build a fire pit with your dad RIGHT NOW. Not later today. Not in ten minutes. Be the person that you want to be, live the life that you want to live.

Right now.

Come to think of it, I will play a song. If you're having trouble with the Right Now Movement, this song should get you sufficiently ready.

Until next week(ish),

Feed on love, subsist on peace.

Misuse of Power

"If we know anything, it is that if virtues do not equal powers, the powers will be misused." --T.M. Alexander from the book Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin.

When I first started blogging almost nine months ago, my intentions were pure. I wanted to give a voice to those who might feel like they had none. I wanted to help people. I wanted to teach people to accept and love themselves as they are. Even when I created A Bitch Called Mom, it was still my intention to help others and give a voice to moms who felt as though their frustrations could not be understood.

Recently, I believe I did something that bordered on cruel, a gross misuse of the power entrusted to me. On February 16, I did a blog post called It Won't Kill You to be Normal on ABCM. This was a post about a woman who was on a television show proclaiming to be addicted to makeup. I tore that woman to shreds and many people agreed with my assessment of her situation. It proved to be a very popular post, further proof of how I misused my gifts of healing and teaching.

Up until that post, even as I bitched about motherhood, unemployment, and the pitfalls of hiring friends, I still believed (and I still do) that there was something in each post that could have been learned or could otherwise make people feel that they were not alone. For instance, in the post Dear Mrs. Hyde, the lesson there was to stop focusing on what you haven't accomplished, but instead to channel that energy into getting what you want out of life. The message in I Resolve...To Not Resolve was to stop being so hard on yourself and lighten up.

When I penned the February 16th post, I told myself that there was a lesson, and there was, but the lesson got lost in mean-spiritedness. I apologize for misusing my talents. For misusing my voice. For misusing the voice that I was to give to another.

I will try not to do it again, but I am human. I will make mistakes until the day I die. If you don't make mistakes, how will you know when you've made a wrong turn? That you have stepped off the path to your destiny? This is not a lesson that I have learned easily because I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be wrong. I understand now that mistakes are apart of the learning process. I must make mistakes in order to continue to grow.

You, dear reader, can trust that when I do err, I will always own up to it. I trust that you will keep me on track and call me on my BS when I veer off-course. Just as I promise to continue to do for you...on both blogs.

Now in the spirit of forgiveness that I preach so much about, I hope that you will forgive me. I hope that Maureen forgives me. Sincerely, I do.

But even if neither of you choose to do so, I have to forgive myself.

That is today's lesson, in case you missed it. Learn from your mistakes, own up to them and apologize if necessary, forgive yourself, and continue on your journey.

What's the greatest lesson that you have learned so far?


Until next week,
Feed on love, subsist on peace.

When You Arrive

Last week I was watching a Tivo'ed episode of the farewell season of Oprah. Don't get me started, please. I haven't cried all day today. Paul Simon was on singing a song that he'd written as the show's theme song a few years back. He'd changed some of the lyrics to make them appropriate to what's going on in the world of the super mogul right now. Now, you know my memory is bad, so I don't remember either the name of the song or most of the lyrics, but I do remember one line. I wasn't even paying that much attention to the song, but that one line leaped right out at me. "Will you be home when you arrive?"

I can't be exactly sure of the message Mr. Simon was trying to convey with that line, but here's what I took from it. After you work hard your whole life, after you raise your children, after you care for your aging parents or otherwise do all the things you think you should be doing, will you be happy with where you'll be? Will you be satisfied? Will you be content? Will you feel safe? When you finally reach your destination, will you be home?

Let's explore what "home" means. I did a search for the word "home" on dictionary.com. I thought these were notable: 1. noun, a place in which one's domestic affections are centered. and 2. (in games) the destination or goal. Some of us are employed by things we think decent people should do, but that don't necessarily make us happy. We are police officers because the job provides a steady paycheck. We work two or three jobs, 60-80 hours per week because our regular paychecks don't cover the bills. We let our children practically raise themselves so that we can give them everything they want and need.

I'm not implying that any of these things is wrong. You're sacrificing your own happiness for the happiness of others. It's a selfless act indeed and I applaud your altruism. But what else are you sacrificing? I think our goal should be to end up happy in the place in which our affections are centered. In other words, your home should be your home.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that self-sacrifice does not feel good. Sacrifice of any kind just doesn't breed good feelings. What it actually does breed is resentment. Oh, you feel good about it at first. One might even say that you feel noble. You're giving up the things you need so that someone else can have what he needs. That makes you a good person, and don't we all want to be good persons? Then one day it doesn't feel so warm and fuzzy to risk your life for people who greet you with increasing disrespect. You have no nervous anticipation of how impressed your boss will be after you've worked through the weekend to finish a project while he went skiing with his family. Hell, you didn't even get to see your family because you were so busy working. And what of that anyway? Your children are growing up and you're missing it. They're developing into intelligent, miniature adults and you're not witnessing any of it first hand. Does that make you feel good? Does that bring your whole life full circle? Meanwhile that novel that's been brewing deep in your heart isn't being written. All the beauties of life are going by unpainted. Songs are not being sung. Love is not being made. Life is passing you by.

Just to be clear I'm not telling anyone to quit his job. The state of civil litigation being what it is, I had to throw that in there. You could try to sue me if you'd like, but honey, I'm here to tell you that I have neither a nine-to-five nor a steady paycheck. Any decisions about your future happiness are clearly yours to make. But when you're 80-years-old, rocking on your porch in the crisp autumn breeze, I just want to know (ask yourself right now)...will you be home?

Until next week,

Feed on love; subsist on peace.

Negative is the Absence of Positive

I started today off in a good mood. In fact, I was downright giddy. Something about this time of the year... The air is crisp, the sun is shining brightly, and oh, my kids go back to school. Nothing like a quiet house to make a woman feel like a giggly third grader.

My stellar mood was darkened, however, by the news that two of my long-time friends had gotten a divorce. Not only are they divorced, but the ex-husband is now remarried. And I just found out. Indirectly. On Facebook.

I'm devastated to say the least. I mean, I have known this couple most of my life. I remember when they met (we were teenagers). I remember when they fell in love. I remember insisting on being my friend's matron of honor, only to be informed that, as an unmarried woman, I was actually the maid of honor. I remember the births of their children, one of whom happens to be my godchild.

When I went to their respective FB pages, I got the impression that things are not as smooth as one would hope. Apparently, the children have animosity for their father and have decided to stop speaking to him. It's all so very, very sad. My heart is breaking for them and I will pray that they all find peace.

No, I didn't set out to make you cry today, or myself for that matter. I intended to write about how negativity is simply the absence of something positive. I'll do that now.

I don't know any of the details of what happened with my friends. You'll recall that I learned about it on FB, which means that I haven't actually spoken to either of them in quite some time. But from the minuscule amount of info I gathered, it seems that some, if not all, of them are holding onto grudges, pain, and hostility. I want to say to my friends, both the ones I know personally and the ones who follow this blog, that that is never a good idea. It's the easy choice, I'll grant you, even the popular one, but not the best one.

A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of the father/child relationship. I won't rehash that whole discussion, but I do want to say that regardless of what your husband/ex-husband/lover/baby's daddy has done to you, it's unfair to project your feelings about him onto your children. He is still their daddy. He might be a lying, cheating, sorry sonofabitch, but I'm willing to bet he still loves his kids. I know you want him to feel as much hurt as you do, but if you must get revenge, find another way. Don't ruin your child's sense of love and decency because someone hurt YOU.

To that end, I want to say please find some way to heal. Try not to hold on to hostility because not only does it cloud your judgement, make you bitter, and hold you back from love, but it gives the other person control of your life. No one deserves to control your life but you. Don't ever give someone else control over you. If you do, they win. Do you get that? They win. So you lose by default.

It's easy to say, I know, but hard to do. But (here is my original train of thought) if you understand that anything negative is merely the absence of something positive, I think it will get that much easier. It's so simple, really. Darkness is the absence of light. Hatred is the absence of love. Evil is the absence of divine goodness. This is much easier than we think!

To banish darkness, turn on a light! To destroy hatred, give love! To annihilate evil, spread the goodness of God! Don't let life's disappointments or complete changes of heart extinguish your natural positivity, love, and beauty.

I know it can be challenging. My husband and I separated for a period of time thirteen years ago. It was eye-opening. I resented him so much and had so much anger that I almost let it destroy our family. But now, thirteen years later, after weathering many a storm, I just want to say that a lot of marriages that have ended might have been saved if  the people involved only knew that all the fighting, unhappiness, and changes are all growing pains; the growing pains of a marriage. It's the reason our grandparents and some of our parents were married for 30, 40, or 50 years. Because they got it. If an individual must grow and change with the times, so must a marriage.

I can't save my friends' marriage now. I wouldn't want to if I could because that's not my job; it's theirs if they so choose. But for all of you whom are still married, happily or otherwise, please know that it can always get better if both people decide to make it so. Simply grab on to something positive and crush the hell out of that negative.

Until next time...

Feed on love; subsist on peace.

Drug Addiction Could Save Your Life

Last Sunday, I was attending my monthly Triple L (Ladies Loving Life) meeting when I recalled a sermon I'd heard a couple of years ago at church. The minister, dynamic and spellbinding, had us hanging on to his every word. Interesting enough, though, I can't remember the man's name. How's that for the signs of aging?

With fervor the minister told the congregation the harrowing details of his life in the pulpit. He explained the events that led him to a life of divine service. He told of the difficulties he had had trying to convince his mother to give her life to God and how she had always refused. She didn't say she'd think about it or she'd do it some other time; she said no. There was nothing he could do or say to make her dedicate her life to God or to even walk through the church doors. She wasn't even sure there was a God.

Then he told us how he had taken up the habit of cocaine use. He would snort blow at 8:00 AM, deliver his sermon at 9:00 AM, and perform a baptism at 3:00 PM. Of course, I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point. He was "getting high" in the pulpit. Minister X, as I've affectionately come to know him, tried unsuccessfully to kick his drug addiction on several occasions. He prayed fervently about it and begged God to deliver him from his transgression. He asked God, "What do you want from me?"

Several years into his addiction, alone in the Pastor's Study at his church, he got his answer. That day he did what many drug addicts do, what my aunt (God rest her soul) did: he overdosed. He was rushed to the ER by ambulance. The doctors worked on him for hours until they had done all they could do. The rest was up to him and God. As he lay there, clinging to life, his mother stood over his limp body. Tears fell steadily on the body of the child she'd raised from a boy to man. Bittersweet memories flashed through her mind. Then the heart monitor went dead. There was activity coming from neither his brain nor his heart. His mother, who had never stepped foot into a church a day in her long life, used every ounce of strength she had to raise her tired head toward heaven. She pleaded, "God, if you save my son, I will serve You for the rest of my life." Well, wouldn't you know it? Moments later the monitors jumped back to life and her one and only son took a powerful inhale. He was alive. His mother kept her promise to God and dedicated her life to His service. And her son, the dynamic preacher, never abused drugs again.

Gives you chills, doesn't it? As I retold this story to my fellow Triple L's on Sunday, I became very emotional and close to tears. I'm somewhat of a crybaby these days, so the tears are no big surprise, but I was surprised by how much emotion I felt just telling that story. And it's not even my story.

I guess it just made me realize that you never know for what purpose God will use you. All the time that you're struggling to pay your bills or having a hard time in a relationship, God could be using you to save someone's life. Wow. I just caught another chill. My trials, my heartaches could be a vessel through which God saves another.

Doesn't that make you feel silly about complaining? Everything happens for a reason. Now, personally I think that statement is overused. I sometimes get sick of hearing it, but that doesn't make it any less true. So when you reach an obstacle that is particularly difficult to overcome, try to remember that there is reason for it. True, you may not care at the time and your highest priority may not be looking at the big picture, but try to accept the obstacle for what it is. It may be a learning opportunity. It may be an instrument of change. It may be a chance to let go.

There is always a big picture. God doesn't revel in your suffering. He loves you and He wants you to grow to be the very best possible you. Think of how you are sometimes forced to let your child learn a new skill all by him/herself. My youngest daughter, for example, is extremely shy. She doesn't like speaking to people she doesn't know very well. She doesn't like to read aloud. She doesn't like to order her own food in restaurants. I could explain to people that she's shy, write her teacher a letter asking that she be excused from reading in class, and order her food for her, but that would be doing her a disservice. It's painful for me to stand my ground and tell her that if she wants a grilled chicken sandwich on a kaiser roll without honey mustard or cheese, she has to tell the waitress herself. But I do it anyway because it's the only way she'll learn to do things without expecting others to always be there to help her. It teaches her that she is capable of bravery. It teaches her that she is capable. It's not only painful for me, but for my husband and my other children as well. We all want to help her, but we know it's better that we don't.

There are just some lessons that are better learned on one's own. There are many agonizing times in my life when I've felt abandoned by God only to recall those times later in life and discover the lesson or reason for them. I am so grateful that I've learned those lessons.

When my daughter overcomes some scary obstacle all by herself, I like to playfully point out that the world is still spinning and has not, in fact, come to an end. If your world hasn't ended, that means you have much more living, learning, and possibly life saving to do.

Until next time,

Feed on love; subsist on peace.