Misuse of Power

"If we know anything, it is that if virtues do not equal powers, the powers will be misused." --T.M. Alexander from the book Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin.

When I first started blogging almost nine months ago, my intentions were pure. I wanted to give a voice to those who might feel like they had none. I wanted to help people. I wanted to teach people to accept and love themselves as they are. Even when I created A Bitch Called Mom, it was still my intention to help others and give a voice to moms who felt as though their frustrations could not be understood.

Recently, I believe I did something that bordered on cruel, a gross misuse of the power entrusted to me. On February 16, I did a blog post called It Won't Kill You to be Normal on ABCM. This was a post about a woman who was on a television show proclaiming to be addicted to makeup. I tore that woman to shreds and many people agreed with my assessment of her situation. It proved to be a very popular post, further proof of how I misused my gifts of healing and teaching.

Up until that post, even as I bitched about motherhood, unemployment, and the pitfalls of hiring friends, I still believed (and I still do) that there was something in each post that could have been learned or could otherwise make people feel that they were not alone. For instance, in the post Dear Mrs. Hyde, the lesson there was to stop focusing on what you haven't accomplished, but instead to channel that energy into getting what you want out of life. The message in I Resolve...To Not Resolve was to stop being so hard on yourself and lighten up.

When I penned the February 16th post, I told myself that there was a lesson, and there was, but the lesson got lost in mean-spiritedness. I apologize for misusing my talents. For misusing my voice. For misusing the voice that I was to give to another.

I will try not to do it again, but I am human. I will make mistakes until the day I die. If you don't make mistakes, how will you know when you've made a wrong turn? That you have stepped off the path to your destiny? This is not a lesson that I have learned easily because I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be wrong. I understand now that mistakes are apart of the learning process. I must make mistakes in order to continue to grow.

You, dear reader, can trust that when I do err, I will always own up to it. I trust that you will keep me on track and call me on my BS when I veer off-course. Just as I promise to continue to do for you...on both blogs.

Now in the spirit of forgiveness that I preach so much about, I hope that you will forgive me. I hope that Maureen forgives me. Sincerely, I do.

But even if neither of you choose to do so, I have to forgive myself.

That is today's lesson, in case you missed it. Learn from your mistakes, own up to them and apologize if necessary, forgive yourself, and continue on your journey.

What's the greatest lesson that you have learned so far?


Until next week,
Feed on love, subsist on peace.

Let Go

"First thing Monday morning, I'm gonna pack my tears away.
Got no cause to look back.
I'm looking for me a better day.
You see the thing of it is we deserve respect,
But we can't demand respect without change.
There comes a time when we must go our own way.
Just let go...
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow.
Everything's gonna work out right, you know."

Do these words sound familiar to you? If not, I'd say you're long overdue for a healthy dose of Toni Braxton.


A very dear blogging friend of mine, Rabbit from The Long Journey to the Middle, did a post about how every new year he picks a word and a song that reflects how he wants his year to go. That is one of the best ideas I've heard about beginning a new year. In this spirit, I think I'll make Let It Flow my new ringtone.

This is the time of the year usually reserved for taking stock, reassessing priorities, and making resolutions. People all over the world are looking back at 2010, putting the pros in one column and the cons in another. They are re-evaluating choices and mistakes they have made. Then they are devising a plan to make it better in this the brand new year. If you are one of these people and if I may be so bold, allow Toni Braxton and me to offer you some advice.

Let go.

That's all. Nothing fancy, just let it go. I believe that most of our problems stem from our insistence upon holding on to the past. The past no longer exists. Everything that happened in the past, good or bad, no longer exists. The mistakes you have made...gone. The good choices, the bad choices, the ugly choices...gone. The only thing that binds you to it is your memory of it. (I took the liberty of highlighting that sentence for you)

I believe that the reason we're blessed with memory is so that we learn from our mistakes and remember the things that have caused us happiness. Memory is there to make your life better, not so that you can beat yourself up for an eternity. Let go.

If I had to choose one thing to urge you to let go of first, it would be insecurity. If you've read more than two posts on this blog, you should have seen that one coming. I spent the better part of 2010 trying to get you to realize that you are enough. God doesn't create half-people. When He decides to create something, He makes it whole, beautiful, and perfect. That goes for flowers, sunsets, thunderstorms, volcanoes, elephants, and people. To name just a few. I don't like when people say, "nobody's perfect." I wholeheartedly disagree. Everyone is perfect. They are the perfect Patricia, Mark, Cyndi, or Tom. Only they don't know it because their whole lives they've been told they're not. Not perfect means not good enough. Why, that just flies in the face of everything I'm trying to say on this blog! All this time you've been unwittingly saying to yourself that you're not good enough. The very first time a parent ever told his small child that "nobody's perfect," I'll bet that child was surprised to learn that he was not the brightest, cutest, most amazing child ever. Of course he was, but after that he never thought he was good enough again and he spent his whole life chasing something he already had.

Insecurity has proven time and again to be counterproductive. It stops us from following our hearts. It prevents us from living our dreams. It shackles us to people and situations that are not good for us. Stop letting it control your life! Take your power back from the demon that whispers in your ear that you are not whole, beautiful, and perfect. Let it go.

If you have allowed insecurity to run your life and are uncertain as to how to regain control, here are two scenarios paired with power-gaining thoughts to consider.

1. Your best friend's actions have consistently proven that she does not have your best interests at heart. She bad-mouths you behind your back and then says she's just kidding when you find out about it. She tells your secrets to her boyfriend/husband and now you feel awkward around him because he knows intimate things about you. When you go out, you always wind up paying for her food, drinks, and/or cover. When your dad died, she made up a lame excuse for not going to the funeral. She is almost never there when you really need her, but you make sure that you are always there for her. You have been best friends since first grade and you love her like a sister, with all your heart. You can't imagine not having her in your life.

Thoughts to consider: If you loved you with all your heart, there is no way you'd allow yourself to be unhappy. When your child is unhappy, what do you do? Move heaven and earth to bring a smile back to his face. When your significant other is unhappy, what do you do? Remind him of all the reasons he has to be happy. When you're unhappy, try pretending that you are someone that deserves all your love, since pretending is what it might take, and then make it your life's mission to bring about your happiness. You know what else you wouldn't allow if you loved yourself with your whole heart? You wouldn't allow anyone to treat you like crap. Enough said.


2. You are sad and lonely. It's been two years since you've been in a serious relationship. Most of your friends have steady girlfriends and even the ones who don't are dating regularly. You have no one with whom to share special moments. There is no one to come home to at the end of a long day. When the clock struck midnight, signifying a brand new year, you were the only one at the party who had no one to kiss. It seems like your life consists of going to work, coming home, eating a frozen dinner, watching TV, and going to bed. You don't understand what it is about you that is so undesirable that you can't find a woman who wants to date you for more than a month. Then you meet a really nice lady. She is funny, attractive, sexy, and attentive....maybe a little too attentive. You thought it was cute when she showed up at your job unannounced just to say hi. You thought it was sweet when she insisted on meeting every last person in your contact list. It was a little weird when you came home late from work and found her sitting outside your apartment building, but you let it go because she was just being concerned. Now it's six months later and she won't let you go for drinks with your friends without a big production. She gets upset when your friends call you on the phone because that means your focus is not on her. She stalks your Facebook page. Your friends express their concern, but you just ignore them because this woman loves you. No one has ever paid as much attention to you as she does. It feels good to know that someone cares. And did I mention how hot she is?

Thoughts to consider: What you might need is something called a therapist, not a girlfriend. If you're willing to let someone control your every move, there is definitely something going on that is bigger than your desire for companionship. There is no shame is seeking help. Sometimes you need an impartial person to listen to you vent about the chaos in your head. Many times after just speaking to someone who will not judge you, you can figure out the answers for yourself. If you think your friends will make jokes at your expense about seeing a therapist, three words: don't tell them. Besides, half of them probably see therapists, too. Oh, and see Thoughts to consider from the first scenario.

I realize that most guys, by nature, wouldn't remain in the relationship described above, but roll with it. I have a tendency to forget that I have male readers, so I made it a point to include them this week.

I could be here all day with scenarios and thoughts, but I believe you get my point. While it's true that insecurities are designed to protect us, it's also true that they protect us from things that don't really exist. They may have existed at one time, but not anymore. The things that have scarred you and caused you to build a fort around yourself in fear are in the past. The things that make you cling to someone for fear of being alone are in the past. Whether it was twenty years ago, 3 months ago, or yesterday, it's all the past. Let it go.

Be happy. Control your life. Chart your own course.

And let it go.

If you have a situation about which you'd like to get a fresh perspective, please email me at thewellfedspirit@gmail.com. In 2011, let's turn this into the blog I meant for it to be: one that offers a listening ear connected to a kind heart. I'm listening. What do you have to say?

Until next week,
Feed on love; subsist on peace