Just Get Over It Already!

A few years ago when I was still a stay-at-home mom, I was making one of my usual trips to the grocery store. It was probably my fourth time there that week, which was far from out of the ordinary. I parked, grabbed a cart from the corral, and proceeded to enter the store. If you’re like many busy people in this country, you’ll understand that I was in rush mode. I had so many things to do and a limited amount of time in which to do them. We’ll talk another time about how bad rush mode is for the body and mind. There was an elderly gentleman in front of me entering the store and, in my hurry, I accidentally hit the back of his ankle with my cart. The howl that emanated from that man’s very soul still haunts me to this day.

Of course, I profusely apologized. I felt horribly for hitting him. I was mortified. His response, in a loud, barking voice was, “I know you’re sorry!” I immediately took offense. How dare this man yell at me! Can’t he see that I’m sorry? Can’t he see how sincere my apology is? Why is he being so mean? I stormed off and left him leaning against the wall in the vestibule and never thought about him again. Until now.

You see, I had hurt him. And even though I apologized and my apology was sincere, that didn’t take away his pain. He was still hurting from my actions, unintentional though they were. He was still feeling the sting of seventy-pounds of steel smashing into his Achilles tendon, and he wasn't yet in a place to be all warm and fuzzy with me. He wasn’t saying, “I don’t accept your apology.” He was saying, “Give me minute. This still hurts.”

If you’re wondering why someone you’ve wronged is not yet over it, you have to give them a chance to stop feeling the pain. Sometimes what seems like a superficial transgression, turns out to inflict a much deeper wound. It might be over for you, but they’re still feeling the sting. They probably have already accepted your apology. They might not feel any hostility or ill-will for you. But it still hurts.

Give them a minute…even if that “minute” turns into several months or years.

You have no right to tell someone how pain affects them. You have no right to expect them to “get over it” on your timetable. We all experience life differently. We all handle triumphs and tragedies differently. The way I process information is different than the way you process information. Do you know why? Because I’m not you. Because you’re not me. We’re as different as night and day and those differences should be celebrated. They should be cultivated. We should allow someone the space to hurt as well as to heal and to expect the same courtesy in return.

Give them a minute, will you?

Until next time,

Feed on love; subsist on peace.

Misuse of Power

"If we know anything, it is that if virtues do not equal powers, the powers will be misused." --T.M. Alexander from the book Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin.

When I first started blogging almost nine months ago, my intentions were pure. I wanted to give a voice to those who might feel like they had none. I wanted to help people. I wanted to teach people to accept and love themselves as they are. Even when I created A Bitch Called Mom, it was still my intention to help others and give a voice to moms who felt as though their frustrations could not be understood.

Recently, I believe I did something that bordered on cruel, a gross misuse of the power entrusted to me. On February 16, I did a blog post called It Won't Kill You to be Normal on ABCM. This was a post about a woman who was on a television show proclaiming to be addicted to makeup. I tore that woman to shreds and many people agreed with my assessment of her situation. It proved to be a very popular post, further proof of how I misused my gifts of healing and teaching.

Up until that post, even as I bitched about motherhood, unemployment, and the pitfalls of hiring friends, I still believed (and I still do) that there was something in each post that could have been learned or could otherwise make people feel that they were not alone. For instance, in the post Dear Mrs. Hyde, the lesson there was to stop focusing on what you haven't accomplished, but instead to channel that energy into getting what you want out of life. The message in I Resolve...To Not Resolve was to stop being so hard on yourself and lighten up.

When I penned the February 16th post, I told myself that there was a lesson, and there was, but the lesson got lost in mean-spiritedness. I apologize for misusing my talents. For misusing my voice. For misusing the voice that I was to give to another.

I will try not to do it again, but I am human. I will make mistakes until the day I die. If you don't make mistakes, how will you know when you've made a wrong turn? That you have stepped off the path to your destiny? This is not a lesson that I have learned easily because I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be wrong. I understand now that mistakes are apart of the learning process. I must make mistakes in order to continue to grow.

You, dear reader, can trust that when I do err, I will always own up to it. I trust that you will keep me on track and call me on my BS when I veer off-course. Just as I promise to continue to do for you...on both blogs.

Now in the spirit of forgiveness that I preach so much about, I hope that you will forgive me. I hope that Maureen forgives me. Sincerely, I do.

But even if neither of you choose to do so, I have to forgive myself.

That is today's lesson, in case you missed it. Learn from your mistakes, own up to them and apologize if necessary, forgive yourself, and continue on your journey.

What's the greatest lesson that you have learned so far?


Until next week,
Feed on love, subsist on peace.

To Right a Wrong

For several months now, since this blog's inception, I've been urging people to send in questions or issues on which they'd appreciate a fresh perspective. In all that time, I have received one email to that effect. This week, though, another woman has dared to reach out for assistance. She has chosen to gain responses from both my alter ego and me. She's a brave woman to say the least. Like the previous inquirer, she wishes to remain anonymous. Let's hear what she has to say.

Okay, here's the deal. At my job, there was a rumor going around that one of the married women in my department (Mrs. K) was slipping down to the mail room and having noontime quickies with a guy down there. Now, I don't really like Mrs. K--she's the kind of person who is always talking about her new this or that. I can barely afford to put gas in the car. So, like everybody else I started whispering when she disappeared at lunch time.

Last week, I just happened to be in the mail room when she came down with her lunch. I hovered around to see which guy she would disappear with... Well, they didn't disappear. Her and the dude who wears eyeliner (Mr. E) were watching Ellen on a portable tv. 

So, now I feel like an ass, and I'm not sure what to do. Mrs. K notices that people are acting funny around her, but I don't think she knows why. I don't want to point out the obvious (Mr. E doesn't seem to be interested in women) because that's an HR violation. 

What should I do?

I find that most of the time when someone asks my advice about a wrongdoing they've committed, they already know what to do and they're looking for my permission not to do it. In other words, they want the culpability removed from them. No one can blame them for doing something different because I told them it was okay. Don't blame me; blame Mrs. Hyde.

I'm not going to let you off the hook that easily. Sorry if that's what you anticipated happening. You were wrong. Own up to it and rectify it if you can. You know exactly what needs to be done, so I'm not going to spend one second, and neither should you, pretending otherwise.

What I would like to discuss is why you felt the need to whisper behind her back and spread (untrue) rumors about her. I don't buy that you did it just because you don't like her. I have met many people in my lifetime whom I disliked, but that doesn't mean it's okay for me to gossip and spread lies about them. Let's look at the story behind your dislike.

You stated that you don't like her because she flaunts her success in your face. How does she do that exactly? Does she do it by wearing designer clothes? Does she do it by driving an expensive car? Does she have a big house? You said that she is "always talking about her new this or that." That leads me to the conclusion that you, by contrast, are not proud when you are able to afford nice things. Otherwise, you wouldn't begrudge her her pride. Let me first offer that there are plenty of poor people who wear designer clothing, drive cars that cost more monthly than their rent, and live in big houses that are one paycheck away from foreclosure. If you are not one of these people because you live within your means, give yourself a pat on the back. You're a rare breed in our country.

But let's cut the bull, if you don't mind, and be honest about the real reason why you dislike Mrs. K: she is everything that you aspire to be. I would even take it a step further and say that you feel like, at this point in your life, you should be exactly where she is right now. You're upset that while life presented many obstacles that either hurled you completely off your path or stymied your forward progression, Mrs. K seems to have fared just fine. Why was she allowed to succeed and you were not? It's an old story, really. Poor(er) people tend to have a disdain for rich(er) people, simply because the rich have money and the poor don't. I hear you grumbling, but you and I both know it's true.

While you, clearly, have chosen this woman onto whom to project your frustrations, the person you're really upset with is you. You are in charge of your own destiny. You are where you are today due to a series of choices that you have made. That doesn't make you a failure. It makes you human. Sometimes humans make the wrong choices. Sometimes those choices can be reversed, we can change our minds and go in a different direction. Other times, the choice yields a result that we are stuck with; there's no turning back. Still other times, we believe that a choice is the wrong one, when, in fact, it couldn't be more right.

Let's say that you loved writing as a young girl. You'd initially had dreams of being a writer/poet/actress, but the older and more mature you got and the more you were told that those dreams were unrealistic, the more you leaned toward a career in healing. You wanted to be a pediatrician which became a psychiatrist which became a psychologist because you, eventually, decided that you wanted to find out why people did the things they did. If one day you choose to have unprotected sex, it may result in a pregnancy that may prevent you from finishing college. Once you give birth to the baby, you could go back to college, but you choose instead to get married and stay home with your baby. When the baby is no longer in preschool, you could finish school, but you choose instead to get a job. In fact, you seem to hop from job to job to job because none of them are satisfying enough to a woman with your potential. Years go by and you're so far removed from college that you think it's just pointless to return. Besides, you've had two more babies since, and it's unfathomable that you'll have the time, let alone the money for school. You continue alternating between job hopping and stay-at-home mothering until you look up one day and all of your children are school aged. You're a stay-at-home mom who's at home all by herself. You think about finally getting a 'real' job because, truth is, your children don't need you nearly as much as you think they do. But who will hire a college drop-out who hasn't had a steady job in sixteen years?

You may feel bad that your life took a detour, but it's all about perspective. It's how you perceive your life that makes it worthwhile or not. You may look at the above described life and see wasted potential and failure. When I look at that same life, my life, I see a glaring success. I have an awesome relationship with my husband. It wasn't easy to achieve, but we did it, and not a lot of people can claim that. My children are happy and healthy and thriving. Of course that wasn't easy either, and again, there are people for whom this isn't true. As for my own personal dreams...well, one day I discovered a novel writing contest which stirred in me a desire to write again. Writing that novel made me remember my original passion for the art itself. Years later, while in a bookstore, I discovered something that renewed my desire to heal and now I am studying the healing arts. You see, my life has come full circle. I'm both a writer and (soon) a healer.

There are no accidents. You may have been thrown off your path because that was not the path you really wanted to take. Maybe the skills and knowledge you acquired on your detour were meant to serve you once you had come to the point in your life where your dreams really could be realized. I believe, and this is just my humble opinion, that if you focused more on being grateful for what you have now, that you could have everything you could ever possibly want.

Instead of being jealous of Mrs. K, be happy for her accomplishments. Instead of beating yourself up for not having met past goals, trust yourself enough to realize that you can have anything you want. You can have everything you need, but all of those things will elude you until you do one thing: believe. In yourself, in your ability, in your potential, in your worthiness, in your God.

Stop wasting precious time being angry about the success of others and spend more time focusing on what you want out of life. Take some time and really think about what it is that you want.

You may find that it's not what you thought it was.



Until next week,
Feed on love, subsist on peace.

***If you have additional words of encouragement for our inquirer, please add them in the comments after this post.

Negative is the Absence of Positive

I started today off in a good mood. In fact, I was downright giddy. Something about this time of the year... The air is crisp, the sun is shining brightly, and oh, my kids go back to school. Nothing like a quiet house to make a woman feel like a giggly third grader.

My stellar mood was darkened, however, by the news that two of my long-time friends had gotten a divorce. Not only are they divorced, but the ex-husband is now remarried. And I just found out. Indirectly. On Facebook.

I'm devastated to say the least. I mean, I have known this couple most of my life. I remember when they met (we were teenagers). I remember when they fell in love. I remember insisting on being my friend's matron of honor, only to be informed that, as an unmarried woman, I was actually the maid of honor. I remember the births of their children, one of whom happens to be my godchild.

When I went to their respective FB pages, I got the impression that things are not as smooth as one would hope. Apparently, the children have animosity for their father and have decided to stop speaking to him. It's all so very, very sad. My heart is breaking for them and I will pray that they all find peace.

No, I didn't set out to make you cry today, or myself for that matter. I intended to write about how negativity is simply the absence of something positive. I'll do that now.

I don't know any of the details of what happened with my friends. You'll recall that I learned about it on FB, which means that I haven't actually spoken to either of them in quite some time. But from the minuscule amount of info I gathered, it seems that some, if not all, of them are holding onto grudges, pain, and hostility. I want to say to my friends, both the ones I know personally and the ones who follow this blog, that that is never a good idea. It's the easy choice, I'll grant you, even the popular one, but not the best one.

A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of the father/child relationship. I won't rehash that whole discussion, but I do want to say that regardless of what your husband/ex-husband/lover/baby's daddy has done to you, it's unfair to project your feelings about him onto your children. He is still their daddy. He might be a lying, cheating, sorry sonofabitch, but I'm willing to bet he still loves his kids. I know you want him to feel as much hurt as you do, but if you must get revenge, find another way. Don't ruin your child's sense of love and decency because someone hurt YOU.

To that end, I want to say please find some way to heal. Try not to hold on to hostility because not only does it cloud your judgement, make you bitter, and hold you back from love, but it gives the other person control of your life. No one deserves to control your life but you. Don't ever give someone else control over you. If you do, they win. Do you get that? They win. So you lose by default.

It's easy to say, I know, but hard to do. But (here is my original train of thought) if you understand that anything negative is merely the absence of something positive, I think it will get that much easier. It's so simple, really. Darkness is the absence of light. Hatred is the absence of love. Evil is the absence of divine goodness. This is much easier than we think!

To banish darkness, turn on a light! To destroy hatred, give love! To annihilate evil, spread the goodness of God! Don't let life's disappointments or complete changes of heart extinguish your natural positivity, love, and beauty.

I know it can be challenging. My husband and I separated for a period of time thirteen years ago. It was eye-opening. I resented him so much and had so much anger that I almost let it destroy our family. But now, thirteen years later, after weathering many a storm, I just want to say that a lot of marriages that have ended might have been saved if  the people involved only knew that all the fighting, unhappiness, and changes are all growing pains; the growing pains of a marriage. It's the reason our grandparents and some of our parents were married for 30, 40, or 50 years. Because they got it. If an individual must grow and change with the times, so must a marriage.

I can't save my friends' marriage now. I wouldn't want to if I could because that's not my job; it's theirs if they so choose. But for all of you whom are still married, happily or otherwise, please know that it can always get better if both people decide to make it so. Simply grab on to something positive and crush the hell out of that negative.

Until next time...

Feed on love; subsist on peace.

The Freedom of Independence

On July 4, 1776, the United States officially declared its independence from Great Britain, after having fought for said independence for 13 years. It was then and still is now a huge victory for the United States of America. God bless America.

In that same spirit, I challenge you to not only celebrate independence, but to grant it as well. Grant it to yourself for not finishing college. Grant it to your sister who is genuinely sorry for insulting your mothering skills. Grant it to your father who was never emotionally available to you. Grant it to your mother who criticizes everything you do. Grant it to your child's father who is not as good a dad as you think he should be.

Most of the time people are just trying to do their best. Sometimes we will fall short. It's a simple fact of life.

A couple of years ago, one of my friends was being evicted from her home and I was helping her move some of her things. As you can imagine, the atmosphere was intense and frantic. She was trying in a very short time frame to decide what she would do with each item in her two-story house. In the midst of this frenzied packing/trashing session, she came across an item that she didn't necessarily need. She asked me if I wanted it. I had just purchased the exact item maybe two days ago. So I said, without thinking, "Man, I wish you had offered me this a couple days ago. I just bought one."

Now you and I both know that I in no way meant that I wished my friend had been evicted sooner, but that didn't stop me from sounding and feeling like an ass. I don't know if she caught the inappropriateness of my statement at that moment, or if she thought about it later as she recalled the events of the day, or if she ever caught it at all. But she never once held a grudge or made me feel bad about it. She forgave me and as a consequence, I was able to forgive myself.

"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." I heard that on Oprah a long time ago, but I'm pretty sure it was Dr. Phil who said it. It was those words that help me forgive the mother who abandoned me as a child. I still see her sometimes and despite my best efforts, I could not let go of the pain she had caused me. Then I discovered that by forgiving her, I was opening a door to a part of my heart that I didn't even know existed. One can't love with the whole heart, if a part of it closed. Don't kid yourself; if you're harboring hatred and bitterness in your heart, there's less love there to give to your children, your spouse, your friends. Stop denying yourself and your loved ones.  Forgiveness is incredibly freeing. Have you ever felt so good that it was like you were floating on air? That's what forgiveness feels like.

Since we're talking about forgiveness, let's talk about "deadbeat" fathers. I was assaulted by the barrage of bad daddy talk on facebook on Father's Day. It was so prevalent, that it made me turn off my computer just so I wouldn't have to feel all that negative energy on a day that should have been positive. I want to warn you that I'm about to get in your face, step on some toes, and maybe hurt some feelings. But I'm not judging you. Everything I do is out of love to promote healing, even if it hurts at first.

1. Your child's father may be a deadbeat to you, but he's daddy to your child. That means he's important to your child and he is loved with your child's whole heart. You may not think he deserves all that wonderful love, but it's not your place to take it away. When you insult and degrade the man, you hurt your child and you hurt your relationship with your child. Think about how fiercely protective you were of your parents. If anyone said anything bad about them, you immediately hated that person. Do you want to be the object of your baby's hate?

Stop expecting your children to understand an adult situation. They can't. AND they shouldn't have to. You put them in a confusing position when you make them choose one parent over the other. As they get older, they will recognize your hard work and sacrifices and they will love and appreciate you even more, without having been damaged by your resentment of their father.

2. You chose to have a baby with a "deadbeat." Make no mistake, unless you were raped or "tricked" into condom-less sex, you chose to have this man's baby.  That doesn't make you a bad person; it means you made a poor choice of who deserved to father your precious child. Take responsibility for your part in your single parenthood. I suspect that's why so many single mothers are angry. You can't believe you had a baby with this man and now you're struggling and can't have a moment to yourself because of his lack of support. Please forgive yourself. Forgive yourself and realize that this man may not ever do the right thing by his child. Don't let his absence determine the future of you and your child. Don't give him control over your life. I know this will be exceptionally hard, but you have to forgive him. Really. You have to. Forgive him and let him go. It's the only way to regain control over your life.

I wish all of you a safe, happy Independence Day and I congratulate you on grabbing some of that independence for yourself!

Feed on love, subsist on peace.