Saturday, March 12, 2011


If you follow me on Twitter or if you're one of my Facebook friends, you know how much I love this song. I've included the clean version here because some followers of this blog may or may not be offended by the uncut version. Both of my personalities like this clean version, but on the other hand, we both feel the uncut version.

I was watching a Tivo'd episode of Oprah recently and she said something that I have always said to people, but just not as eloquently as she. She said that we "teach what we most need to learn." My sister and I have conversations to that effect all the time. I do it all the time right here on this blog. It's easy for me to tell you what to do to feel good about yourselves. It's easy to drill into your heads that your are perfect just the way you are. It's easy because I know, logically, how this thing called life is supposed to be done. What's not easy is doing it. The phrase "easier said than done" applies here.

You know how sometimes when you're talking to your friend about a problem she may have and the solution seems so obvious to you that you can't understand why she can't see it herself? I mean, it's right there in front of her face. Why can't she see it? She sees it. However, it's far less painful to pretend she has no clue than it is to resolve the issue. I don't know about you, but I do that all the time.

Here's the thing: I know me. I'm aware of all my issues. One of the things I know is that my cursing so much is a defense mechanism. It says to people, "That is the wrong woman to mess with. Don't try to take advantage of her or otherwise get on her bad side because things will not go well for you." I know that I developed this defense mechanism as a result of not feeling protected as a child. I had so many horrible things happen to me and I would wonder why no one would come to my defense. No one brought food to my siblings and me when our mother disappeared for days at a time. No one objected when she sold me to a man for drug money. No one stopped the man in the stairwell from trying to rape me when I was six-years-old; I stopped him myself. I kicked and scratched...and I screamed curse words at him...until he let me up off the concrete floor. I knew what he wanted to do to me and I was damned sick of being a victim. At six. That's when I learned that cursing can make people leave you alone. Kicking and scratching don't hurt, either.

I didn't know why my mother didn't love me and the only reason I could think of why God didn't love me was that I was a bad girl. I was bad and that was why bad things always happened to me. That was why God let them happen.

I spent a large portion of my life trying to make up for being bad. I let people take advantage of me and treat me unkindly. I was fully aware of what they were doing, I just wanted to redeem myself in the eyes of God. I had to somehow get back into His good graces. People called me names, I said nothing. Some would physically attack me, I didn't retaliate. Others betrayed me, and though I was hurt, I let them get away with it. You see, I felt I deserved their mistreatment and hatred. Because I was a bad girl. I was a bad person.

Then, one day I got pissed. I tell you today that nothing cures despair like anger. Don't ever let anyone tell you that anger is counterproductive because it definitely is not. All emotions serve a purpose. This post is not about anger, so I will tell you about channeling it properly some other time. Right now I want to tell you about how getting angry repaired my broken spirit. At least that's what I thought at the time.

I thought, "Why the hell don't I deserve to be protected? What makes me so evil that the whole world can dump all over me without consequences?" I didn't remember doing anything that would warrant God's hatred, so I had had enough. I went from the extreme of being a doormat to the extreme of being in constant-anger mode. But again, we'll talk about that in a future post.

Even after I learned to calm myself and be a little more peaceful, I still had this one issue that wouldn't go away: I was fat. It was more than that, though. I would gain weight, be horrified by my reflection in the mirror, then lose weight. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed. I used to think that I had a love/hate relationship with food, as in: I love it, it loves me, and I hate that it loves me so damned much because it has a tendency to stick around long after I'm done savoring its deliciousness. I've realized, later than I would have hoped, that my love/hate relationship is with myself. I absolutely love to hate myself. I've become quite good at it, too. I call myself names, I physically attack myself (in the forms of overeating and other self-abuse), I betray my own sense of self-worth by doing things that make me feel horrible about myself. Does any of this sound familiar?

Why do I do this to myself?

Because somewhere, not so deep down inside myself, I still think I'm a bad girl. I still think I deserve to be mistreated only I've made it clear to others that they can't do it. So who does that leave to treat me like dirt?


Isn't that something? I've fought most of my life to be respected and here I am disrespecting myself. If you recognize yourself anywhere in this post, let's stop this abuse of ourselves. Let's take a stand against the one person we thought would always have our backs. Let's defend ourselves...against ourselves. Don't defeat yourself before you even begin by saying how hard this is going to be. I'm a firm believer that you can do whatever you think you can do. If you think it's going to be hard, it'll be hard; if you think it's going to be easy, it'll be easy. Let's come up with strategies and game plans as if we were facing our greatest enemy. Let's find ways to cut him off at every pass. Let's be on the offensive. Let's attack before the "enemy" gets a chance to.

I'm going to take my first step today. When I finish this post, I'm going to walk over to my dresser, pick up the bottle of diet pills that I pay $40/month for and I'm going to throw them in the trash. I'm going to continue  on the blood pressure pills I take to counteract the effects of said diet pills, but only for a month. And hopefully, once both medicines are out of my system, I can reclaim the libido that has been lost from taking the blood pressure meds. As you can see, I gave up a lot to my inner enemy; my health, my womanhood. And if that weren't enough, those pills turn you into a raging lunatic. Some of you have benefited from that lunacy on A Bitch Called Mom. I guess we'll have to see if I have any 'bitch' left in me once the diet pills are all gone.

I suspect there's plenty to spare.

"Change the voices in your head. Make them like you instead." ---P!nk

Here's to self-love, self-worth, and self-respect! Please send positive vibes, thoughts, and prayers my way and I will do the same for you.

Until next week,
Feed on love, subsist on peace.


  1. Wow, considering the emotional rollarcoaster I have been on this week, a lot of this rings true. Changing your attitude can certainly change the way you feel and the way you are treated. My issues are minor compared to what you are chaning but I am so proud you are taking positive steps. Here if you ever need to have a rant or need a hug

  2. Good on ya! Just make sure your BP is OK before you toss the pills. You can have high BP and no symptoms and it can wreak havoc on your body (and I know your delectable body doesn't want havoc wreaked upon it!) Sorry, can't help mothering...

  3. You're beautiful the way you are and I, personally, always take something useful from both of your blogs (like just now I realized how much we have in common as far as our past, eek!)

    I went from a doormat to a megabitch pretty much overnight as well, it is only now that I feel that I have found a slightly happy medium. Slightly, key word there!

    Sending you tons and lots of positive energy!

  4. i can say or do nothing that will change anything, but i can send hugs and happy thoughts, and prayers...

    i can also add that the sanity of your posts is usually timely with the events in my life and for that i am exteremly thankful that i have found you and your blogs!

    Bruce and Tucker
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  5. even at this age it still surprises me when i find out the people i admire and respect so much have a place inside them that doesn't recognize their amazingness. glad you're working on it, and thanks for the message to the rest of us.

  6. Mynx- Thanks. I can always use hugs. :)

    Lolamouse- I promise.

    Rancher- I find that no matter how alone we feel, there is always someone going through the exact same thing.

    Bruce- I appreciate the thoughts and prayers. Thank you.

    Lovkyne- It always surprises me, too, so imagine my shock at discovering that I was one of those people. I guess that there is always much to learn no matter how old/wise we get.

  7. Well one thing is for certain and that is you are very gifted and eloquent. I know the post is about you but I am sure that many of us can associate with it.
    I too can change nothing for you but believe me I couldn't send you any bigger cyber hugs or best wishes. I'm sure you'll succeed in reclaiming yourself.
    Thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated this post and I really like that line 'Change the voices in your head. Make them like you instead'.

  8. I hope you realize just how amazing you truly are. Such an inspiration to me.

    And on the subject of the song, I really dig the other version, but I am so glad she did this one as well. It would have been a shame for this message to be missed because of one word.

  9. Facing50- That's exactly why I put my craziness out there for all the world to someone can relate and hopefully be helped.

    Rabbit- I'm getting there little by little...I think it would be a tragedy if someone missed a lesson they truly needed all because of one word, so I'm right there with you.

  10. I was so moved by this post that I'm having a hard time articulating my awe and appreciation.

    I will keep it simple and say, thank you.

    Thank you for sharing. Thank you for caring.

    Thank you for (hopefully) forgiving my unintentionally cheesy rhyme.

  11. Annabelle- Love and/or gratitude are welcome here no matter what forms they take. ;) I didn't even notice the rhyme until you pointed it out. lol


Let me hear your voice.