Life After Death

My heart is still in mourning. There have been several deaths this week that are personal to me. After my friend was killed, my sister had a miscarriage and a dear friend lost his father. It's a good thing I don't watch the news because I'm sure I would have been bombarded with more accounts of people dying. As Halloween is originally a celebration of death, there will be plenty of ancestors to honor this year.

My sister's loss is especially difficult for me, not just because she and I are so close, but also because it brings up memories of my own two miscarriages. As I try to be there to support her, I can't help but feel the pangs of heartache that I still get whenever I think of my babies. Losing a child is something you never truly get over.

I do believe I have learned the lesson of my loss, though, so that makes it easier for me to support my sister. I remember the second miscarriage, as I sat in the waiting room of the Labor and Delivery Department of GMBC waiting to be called back for the D&C procedure, thinking, "nobody should have to go through this alone." My husband was in a training program at work and they would not let him have the day off to be with me. So there I sat, watching happy couples leaving with their brand new babies; watching women in the throes of labor, knowing that wouldn't be me. Not this time. The nurse asked me, "Is there anyone here with you?" With tears streaming from my eyes, I shook my head 'no'. I had never felt more alone in my life.

Knowing the pain of miscarriage doubled by the pain of going it alone, I have to do whatever I can to help my sister through her grief. When I'm done with this post, I'm off to buy some balloons so that we can say goodbye to the baby we didn't get a chance to know and release its spirit to fulfill its destiny. I'd like to share a poem with you that I wrote after the death of my second baby. I was sad, I was angry, I was depressed, and this is how I expressed those emotions.

Missing Ryan

hey baby, my baby
next to my heart
loved from the very start
from the moment of conception
my perception
was that we would never be apart
at least not for eighteen years
but then the tears
poured
from my eyes
poured from my pores
wouldn't stop pouring
god had stolen my soul
but isn't my soul god's to steal?
no, god took my soul to heal
to teach me it's okay to feel
right?
and i'm like
for real though?
loss of life
just to get me to kneel, yo?
pain and strife
to get my heart to reveal woe?
stop relying on my sex appeal
oh, hell no
i wouldn't know where to start
so maybe i'll just
begin at the end
begin my life again
start a different trend
be happy this time
be happy
so Ryan won't have died in vain.




Until next week,
Feed on love; subsist on peace.

Farewell My Friend

My heart is heavy today. Not even one hour ago I learned that a dear friend was killed last night in an act of senseless violence. Apparently, he was killed over a parking space. He was an 18-year veteran of the Baltimore City Police Department where he risked his life daily for its citizens and now his family has to suffer the pain and anguish of his loss...over a parking space.

I am deeply saddened right now. Brian and I have been friends since high school. When we started at Dunbar, it was the first year of the program and partnership with Johns Hopkins Hospital. There were two classes of us and it was like we were in an exclusive club. We didn't look down on others or anything like that, it's just that we all were so close. Like a family. You know how you have a friend that you might only see every few years or so, but when you do see them, it's like no time has passed at all? You find that you're still close just like you've always been? That's how it is with our whole class. We recently had our 20th reunion, and we laughed and enjoyed each other like we see each other everyday. It was truly a beautiful thing.

The thing that saddens me most is not that he had to die because all of our life cycles will end eventually. Some of us will go seemingly before our time. Most of us will leave behind loved ones, unresolved issues, and many, many questions. It's painful, but it's a part of life: birth, growth, death, and to some rebirth. What upsets me is the absurdity that my friend lost his life over something so petty. So insignificant. So unimportant. So incredibly stupid. So astronomically unnecessary.

How does his wife explain that to their children? How does she say, "You father was killed because he stole someone's parking space" or whatever the circumstances were? How does she make them understand that someone took him away from them forever for a reason so small?

It seems that we are willing to kill over anything these days. It doesn't take much for us to become murderous and/or blood-thirsty. Why is that? Why do we fight to the death over things not worth dying for? It's a sad state of affairs we're in right now. Somebody please tell me what I can do to change it. Please tell me what I can do so that another child doesn't have to be fatherless. Please tell me what I can do so that another wife doesn't have to bury her husband and then figure out how she's going to teach her children the lessons that only a father can. Please. PLEASE. It has to stop. We have to find a way to bring about more peace, more love, more understanding, more forgiveness. We have to find a way to say, "It's okay, you take that parking space. I'll find another. Even if it means I have to walk further to my destination at least I'll get some exercise."

So I ask today that you forgive someone a small injustice. If I let a door slam in your face, forgive me. If I forget to say thank you, forgive me. If I insult your hairstyle, forgive me. If I cut you off in traffic, forgive me. If I don't share my lunch with you, forgive me. If I don't answer your phone call, forgive me. If I hurt your feelings, forgive me. If I forward a chain letter to your inbox, forgive me. If I disagree with you, forgive me. If I'm ungrateful, forgive me. If I'm critical, forgive me. If you love me, forgive me. If you don't love me, forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive him. Forgive them. Forgive.

Farewell, my dear friend. I know by now you're making them all laugh on that other plane of existence. They are happy to have you. And we all are better for having known you.

Until next week,
Feed on love; subsist on peace.