Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Don't Laugh at My Pain

I should probably cut my hair soon.

While sitting in the waiting room of my doctor's office yesterday, I decided to pass the time by checking my Facebook news feed. Sure, I could have been writing my first blog post in three months or getting some of my coursework done, but that would have been, you know, productive. One status update caught my attention simply by the sheer number of comments it received. This is what it said:

RANDOM THOUGHT: to all the sidechicks around the world the holidays are fastly approaching.................................................that's is all just wanted to remind you not to call as often and not to get upset when he doesn't answer his phone. LMAO

One hundred six people found this comment hilarious enough to "like" and/or comment on this post. They thought it was so funny that those "hoes" would be sitting around on Thanksgiving with nothing more than a turkey drumstick to keep them company. Of course, you know I wasn't amused. Not because I don't have a good sense of humor or because I don't enjoy a good joke. I do. I'm just not big on laughing at another's pain.

I know some of you will think I'm defending the wrong team, but you're wrong. I'm not defending anyone. I just feel bad when a woman finds herself in a relationship with a person who puts his own selfish needs ahead of all else; a person who doesn't care who gets hurt, as long as his needs are met. And why should he care? He wins either way. If Ms. Sidechick doesn't like it, she can leave and he will still have his wife/girlfriend. And if his wife/girlfriend finds out about his infidelity and dumps him, guess what? His sidechick is waiting with open arms.

But you, Ms. Sidechick? You lose either way. You're either waiting around for his phone call, being on his schedule because he can only see you at times that are not suspicious, and giving him your body before he goes back to his wife OR he decides that he likes it better at your house, makes you his main woman, and does the same thing to you that he did to her. You call that winning? What the hell kind of prize is that? 

That's not winning. Trust me. Trust me. I'm not just blowing smoke up your, um, chimney. I know this because I know this. You know what winning feels like, and it's a feeling that you never forget. This ain't it, honey.

It breaks my heart to see a woman who thinks so poorly of herself that instead of being with a man who wants to love her unselfishly and who would never dream of hurting her, she opts to take any pathetic thing she can get. Any crumbs or scraps that her lover man throws from the table of his primary relationship. 

This time of the year brings joy and love for many, but for a great number of us, it brings deep pain and sorrow. If you can surround yourself with people who genuinely love you and care for your well-being, count yourself among the lucky ones. But if you find yourself alone this holiday season, I challenge you to spend the next year getting to know the most important person in your life ---you. Find out what you truly love. Find out what makes you happy. Find out what makes you unhappy and toss it in the trash where it belongs. Find out who you are. Not the labels that we give ourselves: mother, sister, cashier, basket weaver, but who you really are. When you uncover the real you, shower that woman with unyielding love, laughter, joy and hope. She needs it, but even more than that, she deserves it.

A wise man once said to me, "When you know who you are, no one can lead you astray." 

Amen, brother. Amen.

Here's to all of us who are on the path to uncovering our true selves. My wish for you and me is that next year this time we will each be the happiest person we know...with or without a man.

Until next time,

Feed on love, subsist on peace.

Happy Holidays!


  1. I read this and thought of my sister I do not know why I thought of her maybe it't because she is one of those women who thinks she needs a man to be happy but for whatever reason I thought of her ok maybe it's because she has been a sidechick herself, oh well such is life......

  2. Jo-Anne, send her on over here! We'll talk. ;)

  3. I sure do miss your voice. Got a big ol' 'Yes Ma'am' from Texas on this one. Been tellin' a good friend of ours just this recently. Poor thing doesn't know her worth, yet. She will though. She will.


Let me hear your voice.