Monday, October 25, 2010

Life After Death

My heart is still in mourning. There have been several deaths this week that are personal to me. After my friend was killed, my sister had a miscarriage and a dear friend lost his father. It's a good thing I don't watch the news because I'm sure I would have been bombarded with more accounts of people dying. As Halloween is originally a celebration of death, there will be plenty of ancestors to honor this year.

My sister's loss is especially difficult for me, not just because she and I are so close, but also because it brings up memories of my own two miscarriages. As I try to be there to support her, I can't help but feel the pangs of heartache that I still get whenever I think of my babies. Losing a child is something you never truly get over.

I do believe I have learned the lesson of my loss, though, so that makes it easier for me to support my sister. I remember the second miscarriage, as I sat in the waiting room of the Labor and Delivery Department of GMBC waiting to be called back for the D&C procedure, thinking, "nobody should have to go through this alone." My husband was in a training program at work and they would not let him have the day off to be with me. So there I sat, watching happy couples leaving with their brand new babies; watching women in the throes of labor, knowing that wouldn't be me. Not this time. The nurse asked me, "Is there anyone here with you?" With tears streaming from my eyes, I shook my head 'no'. I had never felt more alone in my life.

Knowing the pain of miscarriage doubled by the pain of going it alone, I have to do whatever I can to help my sister through her grief. When I'm done with this post, I'm off to buy some balloons so that we can say goodbye to the baby we didn't get a chance to know and release its spirit to fulfill its destiny. I'd like to share a poem with you that I wrote after the death of my second baby. I was sad, I was angry, I was depressed, and this is how I expressed those emotions.

Missing Ryan

hey baby, my baby
next to my heart
loved from the very start
from the moment of conception
my perception
was that we would never be apart
at least not for eighteen years
but then the tears
from my eyes
poured from my pores
wouldn't stop pouring
god had stolen my soul
but isn't my soul god's to steal?
no, god took my soul to heal
to teach me it's okay to feel
and i'm like
for real though?
loss of life
just to get me to kneel, yo?
pain and strife
to get my heart to reveal woe?
stop relying on my sex appeal
oh, hell no
i wouldn't know where to start
so maybe i'll just
begin at the end
begin my life again
start a different trend
be happy this time
be happy
so Ryan won't have died in vain.

Until next week,
Feed on love; subsist on peace.


  1. That was a sad and beautiful poem. No one should have to go through something like you did alone, although ultimately no one can truly understand it either. I especially appreciate your comment on my blog given your frame of mind today. Like you said, there are 2 sides to every issue (at least), and mostly lots of gray. Even those who are pro-choice can feel a loss, although it's not politically correct to acknowledge it or you give ammunition to "the other side." Sad. My thoughts are with you.

  2. Thank you for your kind words, Lolamouse. Blogging truly is therapeutic. Sometimes I get to express emotions on here that I haven't even expressed out loud. Thanks for "listening".

  3. So sad. I was blessed to not have gone through a miscarriage but I have several friends who have. It is good to grieve and remember. Big hugs

  4. Beautifully written. My prayers for all who have experienced loss, especially for your sister. Hugs to you....

  5. @Mynx and Mommy- Thanks for the hugs and the kind thoughts and prayers. I will pass the message on to my sister. :)


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